Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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