I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize