i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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