so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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