I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize