If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I need a burrito and a hug.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
