I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
