i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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