Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
