I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
