My sheets look like a crime scene.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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