Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
