I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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