Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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