at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
