Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
