someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
