I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
