dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
