i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
