I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
