trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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