Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize