I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Randomize