I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
