look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
be right there i have to get my cape
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
