So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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