New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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