they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
