Will you blow on my dice?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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