why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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