why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
