Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
