the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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