You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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