4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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