There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize