the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
