hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
