how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Ketchup is God's man juice
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
