I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
