What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I could fuck to npr.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
