Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You left your phone here
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