He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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