Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
