I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
the raccoons are back...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
