If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just want to make out with him forever
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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