I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize