i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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