Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
