hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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