I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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