We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
