i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
