a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
