Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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