Pregnant stripper...not hot.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
