i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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